Guest perspective: Domestic Violence Awareness Advocacy

By Cathy McKinnon as seen in Woman to Woman

The Silence is deafening….

October is Domestic Violence awareness month, an opportunity to raise awareness of domestic violence and remind survivors that they are not alone. Statistically 85-95% of domestic survivors are women; most likely everyone knows someone who has been affected by domestic violence.

So much can be seen, heard and understood in the silence; the space where time freezes, where the thoughts and memories of domestic violence survivors swirl. When domestic violence survivors stare off into space lost in the memories that will forever haunt them, time stands still.

It is estimated that a staggering 50% of domestic violence incidents go unreported. Many survivors do not report domestic violence due to fear of retaliation, economic dependency or societal reasons. In cases where retaliation occurs the retaliation is far worse than the initial incident. The "iceberg" metaphor is used to describe the problem of unreported domestic violence cases, suggesting that most cases are submerged and invisible to society, never coming to light. The problem of domestic violence is staggering with a typical day, domestic violence hotlines receiving approximately 19,159 calls, an average of approximately 13 calls every minute.

The secondary victimization that occurs from law enforcement, the court system, friends, family and many times even employers is enough to cause domestic violence survivors to think twice before speaking up about their experience. Domestic violence survivors are often blamed for the abuse, as if they must have done something to provoke it or they deserve it because of a choice they made.

The deafening silence of the truth leaves survivors in a state where they do not receive the help they need to heal from the trauma. This prolongs not only the trauma to themselves but also those left in the wake, creating a ripple effect impacting those around them. The impacts last long after the actual incident and many times are drawn out by the legal system that insists survivors rehash their experience over and over again, breaking open the wound. Wounds never get a chance to scar when they are continuously ripped open reliving the day that will be forever ingrained in their memory. The healing can not even begin or move forward when being asked to relive the events that give them flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety attacks.

Whether we know, understand, or make assumptions, domestic violence survivors are humans who are going through an unfathomable experience while they are trying to continue their lives, many going through the motions of parenting while juggling the complexities of dealing with the legal system. Domestic violence survivors are expected to operate in a robotic mode while they calm the tornado of chaos that was brought into their lives, left to clean up the pieces, many times in isolation.

To those that have experienced domestic violence or have witnessed the impacts, know there is so much power in healing and standing boldly in truth.

We are all human and until you are in the environment, until you are in their shoes, until you are the one enduring the abuse; it is so easy to cast judgment, shame and “could haves” despite not knowing the full story or facts. It is so easy to tell people what they should have done when you have never experienced it yourself.

The gaslighting, bullying and brushing facts under the rug actually escalates danger and crime rates instead of accountability, perpetuating the vicious cycle and creating layers of trauma.

We need to do better, be better.

My hope is you never experience this in your lifetime. I challenge you to lead with curiosity and care when you come across a human living an unreal, unfathomable experience. Every story is grounded in the reality that there are not two sides to every story, there is only truth and one can choose to speak it, heal it, and change the vicious cycle.

As isolating as it can feel, you do not have to weather this journey alone or in silence.

To those that stand in truth, thank you for not only leading with integrity but knowing the only way to make things better for future generations is to talk about the darkness so collaboratively we can make the future brighter.

Without words is how many domestic violence instances end, leaving the survivors reeling in the darkness.

I hear you; I see you; society needs you.

If you or someone you know may be suffering from Domestic Violence, help is available. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For advice and support contact: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE, www.ndvh.org.